Anxiety. If you don’t know me, you don’t know I have it. If you DO know me, YOU probably don’t know I have it. For my entire life I have been the biggest child in our home. The biggest cousin in our family, the biggest among my friends and the biggest wife either of my husbands ever had.
Today I am going to a shower, with all of my family and then some. I will be walking in alone…first fright, then I will be entering a room of a few hundred mostly women who NONE will be as big as i am. Second fright. Everyone looks at who is coming in the door now!
I’m a fatty that has no sense of style. So, everyone will be put together beautifully and me… not so much. Third fright. Is my gift going to be alright. Will I have someone to sit with if my sister isn’t there yet? Can I face the women who look pretty and amazing and aren’t fighting any sort of ‘oh my gosh Im going to die’ feelings’?.Probably not.
I never visited my sister or brother when they were away at college. Guess why. I never visited my niece who went to Mt Union…a minute away. Guess.
In 2000 I shed a lot of weight. *enter eye roll, for as many times as I’ve told the story.I was so proud! Right today, I am lighter than I was in 2000, but being 40 and being 61… big difference in my body. I have about 10 pair of jeans in the back of my closet from THAT weight loss. I have a fear of trying them on. You know when you gain some weight and you don’t really want to put on those jeans? There is even a fear of trying them on when you lose.
I can hang with my sister because she is my sister!! And my brother because he is you know, my bro. But going out to face the world, is terrifying.
I always would write when faced with this problem. But I haven’t sat down at my laptop in over a year. Today, as I was crying in the shower, I lost it. Totally. I thought I would write. Even though I STILL have to go get a card, I write.
So, when you see this big girl today, I have funky hair and a distinctive limp, red eyes and sweating because I live in hot flashes, be kind. This is the hardest thing I’ve had to do in awhile. I’ll be at church tomorrow but they all know me and now they know I h ave anxiety… but its total acceptance and no one cares about my fashionista side! But truly, be kind to the fat guy or gal. They’ll never let you see them cry, but its a real anxiety for us to even be out there.
Have a great day, and thanks for letting me be me , here, where you can’t see me.