Wednesday, November 18, 2015

Personal Accountability

Our Personal Accountability

Romans 14:12

          The night is for spent, the day is at hand let us therefore cast off the works of darkness and let us put on the armor of light.

Lord, be with me as I pray and worship.

I am afraid of an accountability partner. I am often ashamed and afraid to let my failures known to others. Being ashamed should bring me to the point of submission, but I can’t. Not totally. To remarry brought me to a point that I was afraid of, but it is alright. I want to be reminded, when all the debts are paid and done in April, to come to the point of submission, but I am afraid I’ll have another reason to put it off. I want more than anything to be in total submission to You… or do I? Or CAN I ?

When I say ‘do I’ I sound as if I don’t love, but to bring it to a more human level-  can I submit to anyone I say I love?? Lets go with Briana. I try and think, if she were my submission person, and I LOVE that girl, could I allow her ( if she were saved), far enough into my life, to be my accountability partner?  Could I allow her to see my sins and my failures without fear of judgement or worse??? This brings me to tears because it makes me wonder IF I can really Love? Or am I just htat clanging bell? Lord, help me to be a real Christian. Your daughter, without limits without fear.

Sometimes in my life, I screw up royally. Today. Today I learned, like why am I surprised, that Paul dated during our divorce. Now, I dated. Went to FL, went crazy, went to CA, MARRIED, divorced, dated and…that is alright? But he wouldn’t even discuss it with me. Now I have a million questions, but they will go unanswered because I can make a MOUNTAIN from a mole hill…at any given moment, for no good reason at all  ;)
Last night, I had a crazy dream. I dreamt that I got a message from Matt Horn!!     Of all people. And a message from my ex. I read them, and deleted the one from my ex, and changed all the ‘tones’ on my phone. So, this morning, I get up because my phone was ‘chiming’, and the phone was in bed with me. Its never on the bed, its always on the police scanner, and I don’t even check it before I turn it off, go to the bathroom, shower and get dressed. Then I turn it back on when I start my day.   So, I get going and after turning the phone back on, I had a message from Matt Horn! So I looked for a message from my ex, but there was none. Did I read it and delete it? Did it ever even happen? I did get an email from him, and I THINK I responded, but my ‘sent’ was empty and my trash was empty… am I just cracking UP? Hahahah. So, I don’t know if he sent me a message, I don’t know much about Matt, all of the tones on my phone are changed and I… am puzzled!! So TCV, if you messaged me, I apologize for anything I may have said or done last night. Its all a blur.

Sometimes I wonder.
Sometimes I cry.
Sometimes I  feel things I can never share.
I wish the Lord would change me. Change my heart. Teach me compassion and love, like He has.
Change the crazy that I worry that I am.
Change the heart that I detest that I have when I feel like I am against the wall.

Change me, Lord I pray. Lord, I BEG.          Tear this heart apart, and put it back together so it is just like Yours. This is my prayer. 

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