Saturday, October 17, 2015

Gathering Memories.

Parents... grow up!

which is indicated by what you do when your spouse isn't looking. imagine chatting with others online when you have someone who is duped into thinking you are loyal!

so don't bash the 'step' when you can't be bothered to be a parent.
yep. sometimes you need reminders that you are not completely and idiot. too bad it creates an untrusting soul...and heart.

every single time. every single significant other...

just to clarify.

the children. they grow up in a horrible world, unless of course mom finds a better dad for the kids! which is almost a given!

saddest thing to realize is that you were not loved at all. words. words mean nothing. after all, most words are lies.

 In working on my book, I have gathered so much information to 1. help ME in my life and 2. to help the reader understand. I am really enjoying the ONE project I am working on, a kind of lighter non fiction based on how life should be! The second is one about life, how sometimes you get duped. The road to finding love, after being alone for a couple of years. Thinking you have found it. Finding out that only YOU have found it. Finding that who you think loves you too...doesn't even have a clue about love. Finding out something new and disturbing nearly every day of your life. Dealing with THAT, and then realizing that everything that is told to you is lies. And that 'chatting' with people online and playing while you are working, and watching your life, and your trust level, and your future, and every hope and dream that you envisioned ...just crumble in front of you. About not realizing that being dumped is the BEST thing that could happen in your life. Its about recovering, not for a week, not for a month, not even for a year! Its about learning trust. Real trust. About leaning on The Lord to get you through this. Divorce classes and counseling, prayer, prayer, prayer. Refusing to let anyone get close to you because of the damage that has been done to you. Crying and wanting to trust someone, depending on no one. Wanting to just SCREAM and tell EVERYONE about the pain that someone caused you. About letting your guard down YEARS later... and realizing you were just a booty call, after letting your feelings get in the way. About dealing with your future the very best way you think you know. But knowing deep down, that you will never be the same, and may never heal... ever. Its scary. I have a funny feeling that I may do pretty good on the second book. My light hearted book is in a notebook and online and I pull over while driving to write ideas, its fun! Its challenging, its ... I am having fun. The second is being done exclusively online, in a blocked, private blog. I don't want anyone reading either until I am ready. But the one about MY life, makes me cry so I have to take frequent breaks. I can go an hour or so, then I have to pray for 5  hours or so!!!!! (kidding, but its a hard book to write)

I pray every day that the decisions I am making for myself are good ones. That the Lord will pull me back when I am heading in the wrong direction and lead me where HE wants me to be.  Many people don't understand at all, but the very few that do, I lean on to be with me through the rest of my days.

Its a process. I think if I weren't a booty call, I would have never broke it off with J. He was the whole package. Fun, good looking, sexy...but I was dealing with too much. And couldn't compete ... but that is a WHOLE different talk show ;) 

so tonight, we sit in front of the fireplace, and watch old shows, and talk about our future... And I sit and work on the fun book ... enjoy Brenden being in South Carolina for a few days and just try and work on figuring out my life. If that is really possible. 

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