GRAPEFRUIT JUICYFRUIT.

I think I think too much. I wanted to be in bed before midnight, I got everything accomplished that  I wanted to...okay, I am lying. I didn't. But I got enough accomplished that I was ready for bed. Then ... a distraction. A nice distraction, but a distraction none the less. Got me thinking. Thinking, not so much...what ifs, but whys. Why, I know. Why, from the beginning I have it all figured out. The things the Lord had to show me, and lead me  through , and teach me. The lessons I had to learn, the people I had to meet, the life I was blessed to live, all brought me here. From never wanting for anything because of my M.I.L. to scraping every day to survive. From taking things for granted, to thanking God every night that I have a home, and can pay the utilities and taking that 20 bucks I may make, and giving 10% to the Lord, and budgeting every single penny. From the 'kids' eating top quality dog and cat food, to me making their meals and watching every drop. Thinking....
~
I just want to say that I am thankful. Thankful for every month the rent being covered and money in our pockets and living in CA for 4 years. To being thankful for every dollar that comes into my hand and for every penny I have to watch. My life is a continuous 'loop' of good and bad memories. I don't have much bad now. Now that I am alone and there is no need or desire for drama or tension or fighting... God brought me here. Right here. Making new memories. Spending weekends with my family or John or friends. Memories... They are added to my 'loop' every single day. From boring type days spent baking and being home, to more exciting days like dinners and movies and Mt. Washington with friends and more than friends. Memories. Thinking.
~
Do you know what I thank God for every single night? That the furnace is working. That we ate today. That I can pay the utilities. That I have a roof over my head and family and friends that care about me. Do you know what I ask God for every night? To keep the dog's healthy. To minimize the pain I feel just long enough to sleep. To keep my family safe. Bare necessities. I don't like to ask for anything. But there are necessities.
~
Do you know what is breaking my heart? This friction or distance or silence with my niece. I want to hold her and love her and bring her back to my life. But... things go unanswered. I feel I have lost her. I hate anything to be upsetting in my family because THIS is how my family isn't supposed to be. Rough relationships with MY PARENTS were the norm, but there was never anything between my sister and brother in law and brother, and certainly NEVER with my nieces. I hate it. Its killing me.
~
Do you know that every day I am AFRAID? Afraid that something major will happen in the house and I will be SOL because how will I pay for it. Afraid to fall and no one miss me...til Saturday morning!! Afraid to die, alone.
~
Thinking. Crying. Praying. Missing. Needing. Wanting.
Thinking...