Sunday, January 24, 2016

Its a thing with me...

If  only's. I could start it as far back as I can remember. If ONLY, I were a  better child. Not so bad...but not in the bad that you might imagine as a bad child, bad as a self proclaimed sociopathical child. I like to read those Gemini things on Twitter...

's are the most talkative sign but they only talk to who they choose.

's have a bad twin to blame their mischievous side on.

are very curious and clever with words. Do not mistake this for manipulation.

's suffer from moodiness, however they hide this from close friends and family as they want to appear happy all the time. (on an aside...I can't hide it, my people know that I am NOT always happy)

can be all the right things to you :)

's have split personalities so dont cross them wrong.

's are overly-emotional, but always with good reason.

will flutter from a meaningful relationship like they never cared. Even if they actually did care, you wont know the difference.

think about every single scenario possible before it even takes place.

's have the ability to lie and appear they are telling the complete truth.

's have a hard time trusting but when they do they will always trust & if you mess that up then they will never trust you again.

's twin ability allows them to see right through people. One look at you and they know exactly who you are inside.

has a dual personality: A social, fun side and an evil, moody side.

so, is it true, that I was a sociopathical child? Or a Gemini. I think back to things that I did, and I did them alone. I didn't include my brother or sister, I was a fierce loner, even at 4, I wanted to sit alone and watch television and if no one EVER talked to me, i would be okay with that. I was repeatedly beaten by my mom, we just had a new baby and my dad worked 2 jobs. My only salvation was my grandma , who lived upstairs, thankfully. Did I do the things I did for attention? NO...I never wanted people to find out what I did, although I was constantly in trouble by neighbors for 'things' I did!

I got better, sort of , as a teenager. But...maybe not. I DID experiment with pot, and I liked it. I DID drink beer with my friends, and I liked it, I had an 11 o'clock curfew until I was 21, which, i was so under the fear of my mom, that I obeyed, except on my 21st birthday when I came home at 4 am... Singapore Slings at The Lampost until 3:30 with my friends and the crew from Left End. BUT, she was sitting at the kitchen table when I fell through the kitchen door. I do n't have any recollection of anything after that, but I assume I took a beating for it.

As an adult, I kind of knew how to get my way. But after having a conversation with someone who admitted both they and their child know how to do that, I wondered ... am a really crazy? Are THEY??? BUTT.... I slid through my teens, being as rebellious as my mom would allow me to be. I never slept with anyone, thankfully. But that too was drilled into my head starting at age SIX. Every Saturday, my mom and I would go to that place on Indianola Ave. The home for unwed mothers. YOU WILL LIVE HERE IF YOU EVER HAVE SEX. ( and T you wonder why I am a prude...) EVERY SATURDAY. The first time I had sex, I was raped. I cried for days...not because I was raped, but because I was afraid of ending up at that home for unwed mothers. Fear that no one will ever be allowed to talk to me. The wrong emotion. I remember sitting at the top of the steps, and crying and my mom asked what was wrong "i am afraid to ever get pregnant, i don't know what I would do"...she had no idea i was raped. Noone did, except my rapist. She said "you will never see your family again, is what will happen if you get pregnant". I guess, given THAT, i would have changed my selection of dates???

Changes as an adult... I wish I would have finished college the first time around instead of going back in my 50s. I wish I were 'normal' and could have studied and had a normal job ( I was a midnight waitress at a local restaurant...where I was h it on regularly, but hated men at this point), I would have graduated YSU and been arresting criminals, instead of seeking them out as potential mates!! Changes. I would have never lived with Paul. My family was banned from seeing me for FIVE years. Although they still did, they were under strict orders to NOT. They were always at my house and Grandma and I always had lunch. But...that should not have been the way it went. I should have had a normal dating life, including my family and making them first, as they should have been. While we were living together, I was beaten to a pulp by some biker friends of Paul's, They kidnapped me, and were going to kidnap Paul and take me to a biker bar and have the people there 'pull train' on me. Meaning they each would rape me with whatever they chose to rape me with. FORTUNATELY, my 130 lb. 5'4" cousin came to the car instead of Paul,(he was Paul's boss at GM, and had already been alerted that we were on our way to pick him up) and he had already called the Lordstown police and he pulled me from the car and they were arrested on all kind of charges. I would have selected a better group of friends!! To say the least.

I married Paul. Raised 2 of his kids, 2 of his granddaughters and my girlfriends daughter. I had to deal with 2 ex's ... a crazy emancipated 16 year old daughter, and life, being 24 and suddenly, a mom... We made it 20 ++ years, but sometimes, we both felt unsatisfied, and I had to leave. His unsatisfaction played out differently than mine, but both were wrong. I had to fly .... and I did.

I did and I flew... to Florida, to start a life with a guy I didn't know in an area I didn't know with people I ... loved meeting. That lasted a month, then I got a text from Bri... 'please come home I need you'. I had to come home to my niece. She came above anything, always had , always will. He was furious and a myriad of craziness came from that. I should have never left my nieces. Ever.

My life was just a continuation of decisions that if I had been a different, or dare I say BETTER person, I may have not been through what I have gone through. Life ... I know I can't do it over, and where I am now, I truly believe that God intended for us to be helpers for each other. No sex. No intimacy. No ... life. I know there is a reason for this. Maybe one day, I will know. I cried all day yesterday, thinking about what it was like a few years ago...being kissed so passionatley. Being hugged with the best hugs a girl could ever have. Being taken places and holding hands... isn't THAT what it should have been all about ? Yes, but... there were things there too. I was HATED and belittled by a woman that didn't like me being around. I was only OK, on Saturdays, but even then, I was 'baby monitored' and watched. I was treated like a 5 year old and fuck that... I lived that 50+ years ago. I was compromised in my beliefs, and like always, I couldn't allow myself to be happy for a long period of time. I am thankful that I am doing what I feel is God's will.

Be careful of your thoughts and your desires. They will haunt you... if you have a conscience. I guess that is my saving grace, is that FOR THE MOST PART, I do. I know WHO I am, and I know WHO I serve. I know my choices made me who I am...and hurt me to the point of no return.

These things I know.


  1. I'm Gemini, too. You have had a tough life, and for that I am sorry. Unfortunately I can relate to much of it, at least the early parts.

    1. I never knew if I was insane or a victim of my surroundings. I try and not think about it much, but it's been a bad weekend...