Truth Is...

I had a run in last week with a person from my past. We have a mutual dislike for each other, but sometimes circumstances come up where we are forced to see each other. We run in the same kind of 'circle of friends' , she is not an active participant because she is a POS and I and the majority of my friends hold the same opinion, but not everyone, and sometimes we are forced into being fake-ly kind. When I leave her presence I feel like Casey does when she gets up, I have to 'shake shake shake' it off. Bleah.
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I got to know someone this week that I never ever thought I would end up being friends with. We have so much in common that we couldn't help but be friends. So we met for lunch and clicked right off the bat. Truth is... everything I ever heard were lies. No big surprise there!!
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Truth is... I have run into a patch of financial trouble. What I have put away I can't touch, so I struggle horribly. I won't let my family know. Its not their trouble, or their burden. But, to be honest, I am afraid. Its not forever, its not going to be for any long stretch of time, but I FREAK at times like this, so chances are, no one is going to see much of me for a month or so. Its my god awful way of dealing with shit. I hate me during these stressful times. Truth is... i push people away when I need them the most. I only had one person who just being with me brought me peace. Had...
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I am not able to have a relationship. I tried. I am still trying. Put In Bay vacation was planned and a trip to Michigan, but I pretty much put the kabash on that entire deal, already. I hate being fucked with, even when sometimes its justifiable, truth is, its never justifiable. Ever. Done. Forever. My life is ( even when I am going through shit ) where it needs to be. No matter what. Even if it is hard at times, its MY hard. Its what I bring to myself and to my life. I don't want to share it with anyone ever again. I guess, that since I shared it so great at one time (does that make sense?), I know that the good will never be that good, and the bad is something I cant ever deal with again. So again, in my shell. Where it is safe. And I have the ''kids'' and I am as content as I will ever let myself be. I have  a knot in my stomach right now, just remembering the good, and feeling the pain of the hurt. Truth is... alone is best for me. I will never have to worry about pain from outside of me.
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Truth is, I can't understand how someone can LOVE you and HURT you all at the same time, but I can understand how to never let that happen again. I will never 'fall' again. Never.