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Last night I got up around 3 as our usual 'kids have to go potty' time. I sat in the back and checked my facebook and saw that a very dear couple that we really enjoy their company, the husband passed away. Bob was in his 40's and they have young kids. It made me miss my second husband. Terribly. See, I hang out with my first husband, but he's different. And I have issues with both of them, but when he was a husband, he never ever didn't take care of us. Things just happened that I can't get past. (We were going to have a picnic for his birthday today, but I couldn't get out of bed.)I am like that with the second one, but sometimes, with him, I actually miss the us that we were. He was fun when he was ''on'' and idk, i didn't even know we were not going to be ''us'' anymore. But when I saw that Bob died, I started missing having someone to wake up with, to laugh and have a great time with. Then a shit ass response made me think that I have to quit thinking!!!!!! I am not who or what he wants, or even wanted for that matter. I was a body to pass the time until a better one came along. That hurts me more than I could ever say. And , really, rarely did we wake up together. He chose the spare room or the couch over me, or he would still be online when I was getting ready for work. I got such a great voice message about Ireland and .... and again I got excited and then got hurt. So, better to be alone than to cry.
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Tomorrow I am back at the long days. Tuesday I have a few errands, one irate errand to Home Depot and baking for a bunch of orders that came in yesterday. I just pray for the strength to get through tomorrow.
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Well, I am going to shower and take the trash out, if my neighbor hasn't already taken it. Then to bed, again. I have been from the bed to the couch to the bed all day long. I have to get better so I can get to the doctors to find out whats going on female wise. 54 ... bleah!
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ReplyDeleteMair, i meant NO DISRESPECT OR CONFUSION.
ReplyDeleteYou sent me a :) and i didnt know if you knew you sent it to me, or why you sent it. we didnt talk for days and then i got that.
I liked receiving that smile, but i didnt know why.
Please do not frrl as you stated above.....
And YES, i miss US too more than you know.
You were NOT JUST A BODY UNTIL THE NEXT CAME ALONG.... I loved you, i loved US...i just could not deal with YOU NOT COMING BACK TO CALI.... The place you remember and speak of and think of regularly.
You know my issues in Pa. AND in Ohio...
Pittsburgh will always be my home, but California is where i LIVE, ENJOY and feel the best.
With this being said, I DO MISS YOU, I DO MISS US..............I am in Cali and my door and heart is OPEN if and when you want to REVISIT US. ;-) back at ya'