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A type of 'discussion' ensued last night... eh, I'll just get to the point. A. I do not DESERVE anyone. I choose to not DESIRE anyone at this point in my life. Deserve- verb (used with object)
1. to merit, be qualified for, or have a claim to (reward, assistance, punishment, etc.) because of actions, qualities, or situation: to deserve exile; to deserve charity; a theory that deserves consideration.
verb (used without object)
2. to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.: to reward him as he deserves; an idea deserving of study. I guess I see things in a different way than others do. Do you think I am 'qualified' for someone? I don't think that was the point, I think it was meant more of a 'claim to reward' sort of comment. But, I don't deserve 'a biker'. smh. I sometimes think I DESERVE to be happy and content, but do I? I work hard at being in a POSITION to be happy and content. Happy? I am a Christian. I have been blessed with the most awesome friends, family, job and finally, life. Do I struggle? Heck yes I struggle. I am paying my lawn guy to do the grass for the SECOND TIME this week. He's going to love this, but 15 of the money is in QUARTERS!!! I live on a shoestring so that one day, I will be able to retire and maybe head to GA and FL a few times a year!! Do I DESERVE what I have? HELL NO. I haven't done anything to be 'worthy' of anything. But I will take my blessings as they come and thank the Lord for any and all opportunities to better myself. B. A 'biker'. 1. a person who rides a bicycle, motorcycle, or motorbike, especially in competition or as a hobby.
2. Informal. a member of a motorcycle gang.
I do hope the term 'biker' was referring to #1 and not #2. I love bikes and love to 'ride'. I am not a 'biker chick' nor do icky men appeal to me. So... just to set the record straight, when I refer to my self as 'not deserving', its because I don't feel I deserve anyone. When you are in my life and being part of my world, when we go to dinner, or to the movies, or to the lake, or to WHEREVER, I don't deserve that, I chose to be with the people that enjoy doing what I enjoy. The people that stand by me when I am happy, or sad, or healthy or sick. The ones that care for me as much as I care for them. People who don't give a crap about my 'beauty' if its only inside, if I have a day where people tell me I am beautiful ( not my 'inner beauty' which is all I have ever heard from you), they don't care if I am wearing it up and crazy or down and straight. If I am wearing jeans or a skirt. They are here, and will be forever. True loyal friends that don't flirt or bullshit or connive. Deserve them? No way! Blessed to have them. Everyday I thank God for each one of them and ask Him to bless them in some way each day.
So if you insist on torturing yourself everyday by reading my blog, don't jump to conclusions. When you do, it just makes me more and more aware that even after this long, you really DON'T know me.
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Hate to rant, but sometimes I am pushed.
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My Grace had such a bad seizure last night. It was her longest ever. Dog seizures, unlike human seizures are always followed by an after shock, of sorts. So I have to watch and expect one again today. I called a 'healer' of sorts friend of mine late last night and asked him what I could give her during these meltdowns. I won't give her drugs. Never. My dog's eat all natural, and they have sweet potatoes with each of their meals, and they get brewers yeast to ward off fleas, and except for her seizures, they are in great health. But, I am not always home, and so giving her certain holistic things makes me feel better. Times like these I miss my mom. She always sat with us when Grace had a seizure. She calmed me down as I was crying trying to calm Grace. K9 seizures ... breaks my heart.
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Well, its time to go...
I love the raw innocence and good writing here. It's great!
ReplyDeleteI wanted to talk to you about seizures in your dear Gracie. If it's epilepsy I hope you will consider getting it treated.
Jazzie, my little guy whom I still miss everyday, lived with a very bad heart from birth, and epilepsy from about 6 years on. It was untreated for about a year, until we figured out what was happening. We put him on phenobarbital, and he was a different dog. He played and was happy all the time after that and lived to be almost 13. It seemed at the time to be an awful thing to do, but it made his life better right away.
Our Jazzie died in my arms on the way to the vet from his bad heart. I wish every day that there had been something we could have done for that heart of his, but he was one of the happiest most playful little dogs right to the end, and I think he lived so long because of getting his second trouble dealt with. Sorry, this got pretty long.
Best wishes to you and Gracie, whatever you decide for her.
I just wanted to say thank you for this. And you have given me something to think about with Gracie. I was told by my vet friend that every time she has seizures, a bit of her brain dies. BUT the phenobarbital will cause her liver damage. I am at a cross roads as to do I let her get sicker by A. or B. and I just want her around as long as possible. I actually cry when I think about it because my dogs are my life, and to think about purposefully causing her harm in either way... it breaks me. I don't want her to have brain damage, but I don't want to cause harm to her liver.
DeleteThank you for taking the time to comment. I will revisit this again. Thank you.