I Stand Amazed

amazed at the strength of my friendships.

• one friend brought me lunch and flowers to work today
• another brought me a bouquet when she came in
• there is so much food at my sisters house we went for dinner and brought food home
• i received 9 cards today.
• one thing that amazes me more than anything... i miss my mom. really. I'd rather be changing her diaper than attending her funeral.
• I'd rather be waiting on her to get in the car, than going places without her.
• I'd rather be kissing her goodnight , than kissing her goodbye.
• my heart is broken.
• my day at work today was the hardest day i have ever had. all i wanted was to be home, with my 'kids', my 'comforts'.
• i stopped home after work tonight to change before going to megs, and i called my ex, and I cried like a 3 year old. i think HE was amazed that I was taking this so hard. but its killing me.
• i want to take back the past year, and know when she was going to go, and have my mom, like i wanted her to be. to tell her i love her and not care what her response was.
• to take her to the park and hold her hand
• to go to walmart and push her in her wheelchair and let her shop
• to sit on the back patio, with a fire, and an afghan, and talk.
• i need that... but i can never have it again.
• so, i am going to hold my loved ones like i have never held them before, and REALLY love them.
• I am going to have dinner with my ex husband and let him know that I treasure our friendship, and hold his hand and smile. we will never be anything more but I'm going to treasure what we have.
• I am going to send cards, all the time. and remind people, they make a difference in my world.
• so...when its my time to go, no one is ever going to have to be reminded how i felt about them.
• ever.