Feels Like Today....

I had such great plans for today. Nada! I was going to relax, hang out on the couch, hug my puppies, just do nothing. Well, I got up at 6:30 and cleaned the house (since its fruitless to do it with my mother awake), ran the sweeper, dusted and did my Creative Writing paper, most of it.
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It was an OK day, nothing spectacular then Rose gets up. "are you going to stay in your pajamas all day?". 'mom, you just got up(1pm) and you are in yours! "I'm changing". So she sits in her chair and sleeps til 4. "MARY, its 7 o'clock, are you getting dressed". 'ma, the sun is still out, and NO I am not getting dressed today'. omg!  So I got my sis and bro pedicures for Christmas. I asked her if she wanted one she said Noooooo. So believe me, long story short, I make appts for the 3 of us for tomorrow. She goes in her room and slams her door (tries, that oxygen hose makes it tough to show your emotions). I said "something wrong?" "GET OUT OF MY ROOM. YOU AND YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER ENJOY YOUR TIME TOGETHER, YOU NEVER THINK OF ME". That made me cry. You know I have a potential relationship right at my fingertips but do not pursue it because she needs me here. I say no to alot of time away, overnighters, dates, friend time, etc... because I take care of her. She shits and pees all over the place, do you see anyone running over here to help? I get her breakfast, lunch, dinner whatever all the time. Except for when I am at school, we are rarely apart. I rely on sitters to have any sort of life. I am fearful that she will fall, or she will have an explosion and no one will clean it and that will be here when I get home. I am afraid for her to be alone because crime is up in my neighborhood. I live for her. "You are the worst daughter a mother could have", were her last words to me before I pulled the door shut tight and came into the basement to do laundry. Laundry? Rugs, that she shit on, shower curtains that she rubbed her ass on. Underwear that she 'messed' in. Her pjs, her clothes that she spills food on every time she eats. "WORST DAUGHTER". When she says that, I hear husband number 2 saying "you are a cunt, none of my other wives were cunts but you. worst wife". Or husband number one saying "there is nothing wrong with our marriage, no I won't get therapy . not worth getting help".  I am sure I deserve her wrath, for one reason or another. But why is it that the people I love the most, put me down the hardest. Worst   Cunt  No  . I haven't stopped crying since I shut that door. My heart is broken and my spirit is crushed. My life has been such a joy since the middle of last summer. Life has been good. My mothers words haven't hurt as badly. I have hope and a future and sanity back in my life. Tonight, she tore it all down. Forgive me Lord, but I cannot stand the sight of my mother. Her voice makes me sick, and giving her a shower ... I hate it. Tonight I think I am going to open that bottle of wine in the back of the fridge and forget that she even lives here. I will lock my bedroom door so that when she tries to come in and pretend that she is sorry, she won't be able to. Lord, she keeps saying she wishes she was dead. Me too. Then maybe I might be able to live again. If that makes me the ''worst daughter in the world'', it won't be the first time I ve been accused of it.
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