I have been going through a lot these past few weeks. I am waiting on an appointment because of an issue I have been dealing with for about 5 years now, has just reared its ugly head and without insurance, I honestly don't know how to deal with it anymore. I also have a black hole in my foot and one of my toes is black. How long do I have to wait to see the welfare orthopedic doctor? He says he can't take me without insurance or being on the dole. ... But the worst thing happened about 3 weeks ago. I still every once in awhile go to a website called love fraud. The email goes to spam because I am over the whole sociopath thing. But for some reason it came into my regular email and it had an intriguing title that I couldn't resist. I clicked onto it and decided to submit something I personally have been going through since the second grade, when I actually realized or thought something was wrong with me. I battled this 'thing' until I got caught once, by my cousin. It subsided, but its always with me. Last summer I dealt with it again. Big time. I prayed everyday that my biggest fear was not true, but, it is. So I posted this on this article and about 8 people responded, saying exactly EXACTLY what I feared. Its so hard to know this about myself, and know that it is what they called a 'disease' but what I call a 'big horrible overwhelming sin'. I was baptist for so long I know the difference between a cover up feel good thing and the truth. Everyday I deal with this, and I honestly have no one to confide in about it. I cannot possibly be a Christian, a child of God and have THIS ... this horrible awful sin. I am sure some know my 'sin' but I am also sure that maybe one other person aside from myself knows what I carry. I pray. I CRY. I BEG. I PRAY. I scream . I , I know that it can't be taken away. I know that if God would want me to not have this anymore, He would take it. But He doesn't , and I don't know how to deal with it. Yep, I am sure a counselor would be able to help, but they tell you you have to look for a SPECIFIC one. No insurance again, and I cannot confide in a preacher. Or a friend. Or a loved one. Only God, and He allows this sin to be in my head. This morning while I was praying on my way to school, I just stopped and left the prayer. So, I have studied about it, and googled it and every site, every single site calls it a personality disorder. So, I avoid people that I don't know. I am so afraid someone is going to see me and know. I can't breathe because of it at times. I can't allow myself to do MANY things now because of it. So... please. If you are a pray-er, could you just ask God to consider changing THAT part of me. I beg. I can't stand it anymore. I have decided that as much as I want to be loved, I can't have a relationship. I can't get that close in that way because now that I realize it, I am afraid I will trust someone and expose myself, and lose them. .......... help me Lord. help me.
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I just found out more bad news about my brother. Unfortunately, I don't know what to do. I am so afraid that this one more bad thing he has been hit with is going to drive him off the deep end. I don't know how to pray for him because now I don't know how to pray AT ALL. He is devastated. Totally and completely.
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it feels like life is falling apart all around me.
please pray for him. I love him so much, and he can't handle anymore.
xo
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