I have to admit something. I haven't been so busy as I have been in the last 2 days in the last 2 months. 4th of July is such a crazy fun time at Tippi. I used to really love it even more when it was Joe and Nick and Noah, Chris Linda and Angela and of course Volchie, who was never really into the 'fun'. We would be so busy and working 12 hour days and honestly laughing the whole day and into the night. Then we would all go to Davidsons. Stinky, dirty in our uniforms but having a riot. Man we had such great times. Nicky was always my favorite to work with. He is Greek and he would talk, swear, sing , yell things in Greek to me. He called me Maria and we both loved Toby Keith. I have to say that he is still to this day, one of my very best friends. He has a girlfriend now, and so we really don't hang too much. The last time we all went to dinner together, she was pissed because all we did is laugh, and decided he wasn't going to hang with me when they were together, which...lately, is off and on weekly. Anywho. What a team we were. We loved each other, we were still OK with hard physical work and we always had each others backs...Oopha! Now its still fun, but my stories aren't as funny and everyone is kind of funny/mean. Mostly towards Volch, and that pisses me off. But, we did have a great couple of days together this weekend.
In 1977 I had a friend, Lorilee. She was actually my piano teacher in my sr. year, but we became really close friends. First we were kind of partier friends. I was in my sr. year at Chaney and she was a freshman at YSU. I had a couple of wonderful Christian friends that invited me to church and to a bible study. So one night I asked Lorilee if she minded if we went to a bible study at the truck stop. She was really into it and so we started going to church with them. On 7-7-77 Lorilee and I were both saved. We went to church and bible studies and had a really great summer. Once college started, she joined a sorority and I didn't and so our friendship kind of faded away. We lost touch and then on Valentines Day in 1997 I was working the coat room at work and in walks Lorilee with Dr. Amedia. LORILEE!!! We were like school girls and had lunch several times after that. Not long after Lorilee and Dr Amedia married his 17 year old son was killed by a drunk driver. Dr and Lori built and dedicated a Christian youth center over on Raccoon Rd, so that kids weren't just 'out' , they had a place to come to have fellowship and play games and do what teens that don't drink or party, do. Not long after that Dr and Lorilee moved to Miami and started a ministry there. They now have ministries here and in FL. Next Saturday, they are going to be here at their church in Canfield! I am so excited. She invited me there Saturday night. I cannot wait to see her!!
Today I was reading some things about moving forward, moving on, forgetting the past, starting over. I wonder why starting over means forgetting the past. I got reamed from a somewhat friend over a little facebook matter, and my decisions to allow stuff. Please. I love my friends, but... I'm OK, I'm moving 'on' at my pace. It may not be the pace you think, I may make decisions you don't particularly like, but if you are my friend, especially a distant one, one that I don't go to breakfast with, or coffee, or just hang out with, I appreciate your concern, but ... im 54. You have fucked your life up R E P E A T E D L Y and you are going to give me 'your opinion'. Your unwanted opinion? Let me tell you how 'we roll', my best friend and I. She yells when she wants to get a point across. I nod or laugh, we move on from that subject and VIOLA! No friendship issues. So, my friend. Dare you ever make a comment about someone making a comment on my page, BLOCK is oh so easy to do. Like me for me, not for the decisons YOU think are wrong. Deal? Deal. I am sure after you read this, you'll not talk to me for awhile anyway. That, isn't a friend.
Alone. Tonight, that is all I want. I'm not going to answer my phone, or texts. I'm not answering emails. I may be in bed by 8. I have the house to myself, and although I enjoy friend times, fun times, movie times... I am a loner. I need my alone time. Alone. Tonight.
I was listening to my step niece and her girlfriend discuss 'love' at work today. I just laughed. Love isn't a feeling. Its a commitment. Its a commitment to be there always. To stand by the side of the person you love. To hold their hand or wipe thier ass when they are sick. Its waiting on them when they are in too much pain to give anything back to you. Its holding their hand when life is unbearable. Its there during births, its there during deaths. Its being there when you don't 'feel like it'. Its never walkng away. Is it real? Is it possible? Yep. I have a cousin with such an amazing marriage. Good times and bad, they made it. When they didn't feel it, they made it. My aunt and uncle, actually Stengels, Kothiemers, Bests, Maines, Craigs, never walked away. Never needed a new start with someone else. True love. Do I believe in it? Yes. Have I found it? No. Do I want it? With every fiber of my being.
Well, I'm off to be alone with my beautiful babies.
Goodnight.
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What you wrote about why there's this idea that moving forward means forgetting your past really resonated with me. I came to the conclusion a few years ago that I have to honor everything that has happened to me--the good, the bad, the ugly, and the unspeakable--because it has shaped who I am and has guided me as I move forward.
ReplyDeleteYou said it much better than I did, though ;-)
I wish this song were for me. I miss you.
ReplyDeleteKLo: you sound like a very smart person. life sticks it to us sometimes, but I found when I start blaming my ex, my mother, God, whoever, I take any responsibility off of myself. It doesn't work like that. God allowed me to make the choices I have made. My ex made choices that I had to change me for, my mother...well, we won't even touch that subject but I had to change just because. I won't forget my ex. While it lasted, we were great, I won't ever not be a part of my mom's life, I am her caregiver now no matter what has happened between her and I, and God...He will never leave me. He promised! xo
ReplyDeleteAnonymous: How can you miss me?? hahaha. And there are other songs 'for you'. Smarty.