ADD and The Ways of My Life

Even For This

Adrift
Sometimes it gets me down and sometimes I want to curse it, this Attention Deficit Disorder that is my way of life. Seriously curse...

The antsy feeling that I should be doing "more."

The mind-numbing boredom while surrounded by so many, many things to do.

The inability to finish a project.

The procrastination that leaves me stressing at the last minute .

The fruitlessness of trying to pay attention to boring stuff.

The forgetfulness.

The disorganization.

The impulsive spending.

The addictions to food and the computer.

The sense of purposelessness and feeling like life has been a waste.

And yet, I can't, for the One who created me had his reasons. He makes no mistakes. He has purpose for me just as I am. I have worth. I am good enough right now. Instead of cursing, I can count:
 
1. I have known the love of a husband. It never lasted on their part, but I have had it.
 
2. Friends, that are there for me all the time. I can never really say how important having people to just call when I feel like I need a shoulder. Its not that easy to describe, but its easy to feel how important friendships are in my life. I have always been blessed with great friends. I guess that is why California was so hard for me. No one to just pick up the phone and go for a walk, dinner, movie, coffee with. Husbands are great, but friends are not just in a different ball park, they are two different sports all together.
 
3. School is hard. I'm doing it though, and let me tell you. I have never felt so good about me.
 
4. Loss. Yes, I am thankful for loss. Weirdly. It has taught me to not rely on others like I have. It has shown me that not everything is forever. It pushed me to make tough decisions. Not any that I wanted to ever make, but decisions that ... I cannot even describe. Like I have been forced into a new life. When I go to Booz's  house on Western Reserve, I remember that I never in my life ever imagined it not being mine, and when I talk to my second husband ( I am not allowed to say his name on my blogs ) I remember the day I said "no, we can't move back home...it'll ruin us" and know that never again will the things I counted on, be there for me. And I have to make a whole new list of things to try and count on.
 
5. Spikey Grace and Phoebe. The only unconditional love in my home.
 
now... to homework.