Ten Thought Tuesdays... maybe

1. I'm not sure if I have 10 or 1 or 10,000 thoughts today. I am in a full blown funk and I thought that maybe, if I blogged, I could work my thoughts out and blog my way out of it. We'll see.
2. I had a huge fight with my mother last night. Happy Birthday fight I called it. She told me exactly why I was the LOSER that I am, and that I will probably always be. Due to some things I have done and she feels will always be a reflection of 'me'.  You know, to some degree she is right. About me being a loser. About some of the things that make me a loser. About some of the things I have done in hopes of bettering myself, but ... never did. Then when I got the kids for bed she said "goodnight, i love you". I think I have a sign on my head...'PSYCHO? COME, BE PART OF MY LIFE'.
3. Had my first math test today. I got an A. Low A, but an A none the less. Not bad for a loser, huh?
4. I talked to my ex husband this morning. We talked for awhile. Today would have been our 30th Anniversary. Some days, I think what an idiot I was. Aside from our stuff... never mind. It makes no sense to relive 'what ifs'.  I bet I wouldn't have been a loser if I were still married for 30 years.  sigh.
5. I think its a 'no' on my job interview. She wants someone 5 days a week, I have school 2 and they are closed on Saturdays and Sundays. Sometimes I wonder why, but I just have to give it to God because I would obsess over it. I just want to do pepperoni rolls @ Tippi and be done with it. I could work 1 or 2 days a week and have my entire paycheck go to my 401k if I had another job.
6. So, I signed up for an account with my Sallie Mae, and I have linked my accounts to my ING and have started saving a small amount to ING ... for my future, and I pay 10 a week towards my Sallie Mae loan. This way when it is time to find an investor or help in my business ventures they will see that I am serious.
7. I started a business plan for my kennel. I think once I get through with school, and have some money set aside, I will decided where... I some days think right here at home. But, honestly, Ashlie and Ben are thinking about getting out of Ohio. Bri is going to NY after she graduates, Sheila wants to venture to Australia after WVU. And Becks is moving back to CA when her son graduates. I have no plans in 'a future' with anyone and in 2-4 years, the world is my future. Ok, not the world. I'm not leaving America, but... idk. Just idle thinking right now.
8. Ahhh, but my Angela is moving back from Chicago! She hates it there anymore and wants to be with her family. YAYAYAYAYAYAYAYAAAAAY!!
9. School is harder this term. I am oblivious in math. My Business teacher...well, I don't think I can ever be white collar. Between my values and theirs, life with a white collar wanna be, life with a blue collar and proud, my dad being a letter carrier, my mom a teacher, baking since I was right out of high school... idk that I can even THINK like management. Being downsized and living the poorest life, I just cannot always come UP to their thinking. My HR class... tame ting. Bleah. Oh well, its only til August 18th, I can survive I think.
10. I cannot wait to get into my Critical Thinking class and my Psychology classes. We have to do a mental illness paper in Psychology. I already have my expertise subject and tons of books on being a sociopath all ready to go. My math teacher is going to be my Psych teacher. We've talked!!
11. I cannot wait to go to the kennel later. All day at the library then an evening of unconditional love. I almost decided yesterday to bring Sadie home with me tonight, then when I went to the basement today I forgot to block the way into the back and one of my children peed on the shirt I wore last to the kennel. I have to keep that back blocked because if they find kennel clothes, they like to 'mark THEIR mark ' too. So I decided that I might just disrupt the 'family' a little too much if I brought another kitkat home. It does break my heart though.
12. I was going to foster a dog though. She is a little south of here, a min pin , chihuahua mix that was beaten so badly then dumped in a ditch. She has been operated on and needed a home. I told them to contact me if they didn't get a foster parent over the weekend, and they haven't called, so ... there's my sign.
13. Virgin Mobile is offering a Smart Phone ( I can't remember what they are really called, and I am on the school computer and can't access VM on this computer) for less than $100. and still keep the $25 a month plan for people that have  had them for more than a year. I don't know if I want to part with a hundred bucks though!! Yep. I'm frugal and very cautious anymore.
14. If I had my 'druthers' I'd rather be napping at home right now. Yet I blog !!!!
15. I have been bothered kind of by some 'things' going on in my spiritual life. I have been reading http://www.sethbarnes.com/  quite an amazing website.
16. Thought I would share this before I go... Thoughts fill our heads and who knows how many of them are actually our thoughts? They come from somewhere, but where?
    If you were to take each thought out, hold it in front of you like a piece of laundry, and examine it, you might discover that many of those thoughts are not actually yours at all. Rather, they come from someone else.
    
    
    Perhaps some of them may relate to a value judgment someone in your past has made. Judgments that may even impact how you view yourself. Harsh words can rattle around in the echo chambers of our minds for years at a time if we let them. And over that time, they can transmogrify themselves into conclusions that impact our identity.
    
    
    "You're not as attractive as your sister," becomes "I'm ugly."
    
    "You'll never amount to much," becomes "I'm stupid."
    
    
    "Your brother is the standout of the family," becomes "I'm below average."
    
    And over time, we mistake someone else's thoughts for our own. They become our reality.
    
    As I moved into adulthood, I took an inventory of the thoughts ricocheting around in my mind. I'd read The Bondage Breaker and I just wanted to be rid of any extra baggage that I might, perhaps without even knowing it, be carrying around with me. Where did they come from? Were they grounded in reality or were they really someone else's distorted perception of reality? Was the enemy of my soul using those words to weigh me down?
    
    
    
    
    I'm so glad I asked those questions and got free. God wanted to supply the answers that I'd been finding elsewhere. Life is complicated enough without having my mind cluttered with thoughts that aren't my own.
    
    
    
    
    How about you? Why not take an inventory today and get free? Let the Father, your creator, talk to you about who you really are and why you are. He wants to complete the exchange and bring us to an awareness of those thoughts that are not our own, trading the reality we're living with for his.