GRAPEFRUIT JUICYFRUIT.

     Boy was last night a kick in the teeth for me!!  Ha, first Rose was in a mood and went off on me. Reminding me of how I was the child she really never loved and how she cannot wait to die to get out of here. ( I know all of these thing, none are ''news'' to me, and honestly, as tough as I try to be, words hurt. So, whatever. ) THEN I start getting 'I hate you' from someone that admitted that he never ever loved me, and that leaving was because I had a useless pussy that never ever satisfied him. Sometimes I wish I had the heart to say that honestly, ''you are the best I ever had'' was what women are supposed to say, but I would have never hurt you like that.  And... the one you are still in love with, says you were honestly repulsive, but she needed someone to help with her kid. You, never repulsed me. Your weight, your inadequacy, your dependency , your lying... well, to be honest, it was your lying and your deception, your secret texting and secrets that turned me off. See, I so wanted a husband. A loving caring truthful husband. But, after a year I realized that ... well, you weren't really what you acted to be. It was a major turn off. Love dies when you are lied to over and over again. No, it doesn't die, it breaks down painfully little by little.       In fact, if I hadn't been told that I was the worst thing that ever happened to him, I would never reveal this. Emotionally, I left after a year. Cheating was never an option because, well, I don't cheat. So, I lived in the hope of things getting better.
    So, when you say I was the worst thing that ever happened to you, I'm sorry I wasted your time. When I said you were the best I ever had, I did lie. Women are supposed to build up and encourage their husbands. Wait...WIVES are supposed to do that.  After the horrible things that were in the texts, I don't have to pretend anymore.  I shared these with some people today, and I even took the texts that said "IF I CANT HAVE YOU NO ONE CAN" to my teacher, who is a lawyer that now has a copy, as do my family members, and the law.
    If belittling me and making me feel like shit last night was the purpose, it didn't work. Just like it doesnt' really work with Rose. They sting, but after so many years of it, I fell sound asleep and slept well. 
     I am truly getting better, and I have that ability to focus on my school, my babies and my family without getting too lost in what others have to say to and about me. Well, two others. I have said it was a great ride while it lasted, I lied. It sucks to be with someone that cant decipher truth from lies, who cannot hold a job, who cannot have a decent relationship with his family, who really has no concept of love, only lust. I kind of laugh when I think of all the people, family, co workers, friends that are normal, that see the comments and the ignorance that come from you.
   I actually thank you and her, for always reminding me how unworthy I am to two people. Thankfully, I have hundreds more that more than balance the scale.
    No more tears. I am not the loser you say I am. I am not that which you have told others that I am, but its OK, its what you have to do to make yourself look good. And I say...whatever it takes!