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Eighteen months...
I was reminded last night that its been 18 months since I have seen my ex husband. What started out to be a healing trip ended up being the heart breaker of life.   I'm no dummy, I know marriages don't  last all the time, but when my first husband and I divorced, we knew it was over.  We  knew that 20+ years ran its course. It was a wonderful run, but it died. But to kiss your husband goodbye and think you were going to see him again in a few months, and it ends, is the hardest thing in my life.
     I AM a wife. Really. I love comforting, babying, making a home, having a partner that is going to be there with me through the good and the bad in life. If it eventually ends, then that is that, but to have it drop off like a cliff, is heart wrenching.  Then you  hear 'you'll be fine', there's more fish in the sea, 'deal with it', 'he never really loved you anyway' and all the other 'things' that come along with those well meaning friends. But, it doesn't just go away. Oh I'm a little stronger. I'm living a whole other life than I thought I was going to lead. I have changed my entire being. I went through the death of my dad without that love of a spouse. I have dealt with illness and disease and poverty, I have gone without food so I can feed the dogs and keep the utilities on. I have sold things that meant the world to me so that I have gas to go to a menial part time job. My life is broken. 
     Its like a puzzle. A puzzle that is being put together again, but I don't know how to start it. The edges that hold the puzzle in place, I can't find the pieces. There are pieces that seem like they fit, but forcing it just doesn't work. There are pieces on the floor and some that have are missing due to winds that I just couldn't grab the pieces fast enough. 
     Eighteen months. There are a few pieces that are FINALLY fitting. Just when they 'snap' into place, the table shakes. Or I am suddenly at a loss and have to step away for awhile. Eighteen months. I remember crying the entire way home from the airport on that warm and breezy September day. I just said goodbye to my HUSBAND. I never imagined that I would never lay eyes on him again.  I never imagined how my life would play out. 
     Eighteen months. One day that puzzle will all come together and one day, I will heal from the brokenness. One day you won't ever realize I was a mess at one time. One day, I think he might remember that he had a great wife and we had a great time, and life will always have a void, but there will be something to fill that void. Never as important as the love and trust of a marriage, but anymore, I don't put any TRUST in anyone and as for love... they come in the form of lots of legs, and tails and barks. I will always trust them, and they will always love me. 
     Eighteen months. An eternity and a void. An end and a beginning. The longest period in my life. 
     Well back to Ethics  homework. Now there is a subject that I have become an expert in. 
L8R