Laundry Night Randomness

Today I am in a bit of a funk. I dont really have anyone to talk to things about right now, that is my own fault, but you know when you are just having a day? I am today. 
     I was up pretty late last night, thinking, wondering , worrying, hating myself for doing all of the above. I think I finally went to bed around 3. Then the alarm went off at 6. Had to get my mom up and ready for these tests today.  My brother came and got her at 7 and I was wide awake... and so lonesome. I think I cried for an hour before just getting up and curling my hair and doing my toenails.
     The kennel always cheers me up. It was rather ugly out today, but the dogs kind of depend on me to throw that ball and run around the yard with them and I couldn't let them down. If I weren't afraid of Spikey and Grace getting hurt, I'd take them too!  Although I know of 2 dogs that just love to play... maybe when it gets warmer.  Grace isn't a fan of the car and I don't want to get her upset. Those seizures upset her enough.
     Anywho, came home and sat down and just thought about decisions I tend to be making lately. You know, I'm leery about having feelings that aren't returned and I'm afraid of having feelings that are returned.  I'm not good / or don't choose to be good and new or preexisting relationships because I have chosen to build a wall. And I know that only one person can get passed it and that should worry me. But , I don't think I will ever have another relationship because I can't get passed my wall.  Tonight, it is a good wall. A wall that only I can tear down.   Reminds me of 'You Had Me From Hello'... the bricks of my defenses. I'm not making wrong decisions ever again. And I'm not going to let anyone 'sway' me from making the decisions I am making now.  Sounds like blah blah blah if you aren't living that in your own heart.  Thats why I prefer alone.
     Then back to the kennel tonight  and honestly, I was done by 5:30!! Unbelievable!! Most day care parents are late for whatever reason and even though we have 14 dogs at the present time, it all went so smoothly!! I'll pay for THAT statement tomorrow!!!
      I'm afraid of tomorrow. 1:45 we go and get the test results. Mom and I both know and have talked about the very real possibility that she will be put in the hospital soon and maybe for awhile. She is weirdly more OK with that than I am.  She drives me crazy but I have become unbelievably close to her over this past year, but mainly over the past 3 months.  Weirdly.
     I know that alot of my 'funk' is due to my dad's birthday being a few days away. My lost anniversary being days away, and sometimes, though I will not crumble in front of anyone... my heart is broken for both.  I crumbled this morning on a phone call, but I'm sure it wasn't remembered. I'm sure the words that were spoken and the things that were said, were said in a semi comatose sleep.  But, still my heart still hurts and my mind still wanders.
     I am afraid ... afraid of starting school, a little bit. Afraid that my anger in the past has caused the issues it has, and mainly, I am afraid of what we are going to find out tomorrow.  Life....