Sunday, October 21, 2012
Sunday evening... this is a weirdly emotional evening. When I got custody of my husband's granddaughter Megan, my heart was torn. Dawna had been 'the one' for about a year at this point. The other kids were grown, Paul was gone, Suzi was still home and Krista was back to her mom, and we got Megs. Dawna had a very hard time adjusting to Megan. I tried so hard to not neglect her, not even give her the idea that Megan could ever take her place. She couldn't but, its not easy for a 7 year old to understand or grasp. But Megan NEEDED extra love and attention. Today a friend of mine posted 'you are my sunshine' on facebook. I started to cry and 'shared' it with Megan. She sent me a message that she will never forget that as our song. Then, I posted this song to her page. I told her that whenever I hear this, I think of her, and how after they were tucked in bed, I would climb into bed with her and play with her hair, and make light circles on her face until her little 4 year old self would fall asleep. She just messaged me back that I just made her cry. That made me cry. I loved my 'kids' and tried every day to be the best parent for all of them. When my husband and I started to drift, the thought of leaving never entered my mind because to me, these children had been deserted by their own moms, and never would I leave them. Ever. Our lives weren't always easy because there were some serious things going on in our marriage. That reflected unfortunately on the innocent, already emotionally upset kids. BUT... we seemed to press on. The kids have changed, and when I handed them back to their mom, on my 40th birthday... Megan BEGGED me to not send her back. "I only love you and I can't leave you" were the last words that little 8 year old cried to me the night before her mom came to get her. I was at work, I couldn't bear to say good bye to her. Then, not 3 years later, their moms husband was arrested for molesting all four of the kids. 2 girls and 2 boys. Imagine the guilt I live with... but tonight, the songs that impact my life made me cry. 2 days of songs...bring out alot of tears of love, sadness and memories. ` You are SO beautiful, to me...dear Megan.