As I lie in bed tonight, I listen for noises. I hear Boardman PD drive by every so often. They are a great group of law enforcers who don't make enough money, yet pay attention to those who cry for help. They listened patiently as I showed them the evidence for my overwhelming fear tonight. They suggested that I have someone here with me, but I don't want to put anyone's life on the line. Everything has been locked, and sealed and put to rest. Pete has once again offered me a gun. I don't know what I would do in the event of something happening. Paul is livid that I just told him tonight and I said I was alright. I just can't have anyone else here. My brother and a few of my friends that I confided in also are mad that I won't take them up on their offers to sleep here, armed. I have to prove to myself that I cannot be scared.
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So much has gone on today. A person from our past has tried to get 'good with a family member of mine'. I won't allow it. Shady, conniving, thief. I WILL do everything at any cost to protect my family member. When it rains, it pours at the Frichtel Ranch, I guess.
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Sold the house today. Bittersweet. My lawn guy said 'what happened... you don't seem to give a shit about the weeds'. He knows me too well. I am anal about my yard, my flowers, my WEEDS. But I only have a short period of time to be here now, and I haven't had the gumption to plant this year.
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I laid in bed and wrestled with God about this sin I have been battling. Its not worth the battle though. I have to give it to Him, and let Him deal with crazy feelings that I have. I can't even blog about them. Not here. I would let too much out of the bag and then, be sorry for doing so.
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I was going to buy the giraffe that I love, for my yard today. But, I have to wait and see. I think I am changing my mind about where the fence is to be, so I may have to cough up a few more hundred dollars for that.
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I think I am going to try and sleep again. Maybe on the couch. I am exhausted. I can't fight anymore stuff right now. All I want to know is 'WHY' to about 5 questions. Why, now? Why...didn't you care at all? Why, do I fret about 'that'? Why, doesn't God take that feeling away from me? And , Why... don't some thoughts stop. I guess I won't ever get any of those 'Why's' answered. I just need to sleep on it. And...pray.
M.
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