Its Been A Year...

2014… Its been quite a year.

        January. I was so busy with school, and work, and finals and life. I was spending a lot of time with John, and kind of feeling like a girl again. It was a cold, dark January, but my silly heart thought we were falling in love! I was working mostly nights, so when we  had time, we had great times.

        February. Worked and got all of my life together for finishing up my final days of class, getting my cap and gown in order, getting my new life ready to roll!! I thought I was going to be so happy on Feb 14, the last day of class and work. I was, for about 2 weeks. I had lunch on that day with John at Rebecca’s restaurant. I loved the next few weeks being without homework, without responsibilities, without having to set the alarm. But all that wonderfulness came to a screeching halt when my health took a little turn.

        March. Looking at my date book March is only full of dr’s appts. Ugh. It was lonesome during the evenings. I was sick many days from everything … I kind of shut John down. I just wanted to be by myself. Being a man, he didn’t think about how I was feeling, he kind of thought about how HE was feeling. Life slowed down considerably and it was COLD here in Ohio. It was a long month. I am afraid. I think I am falling in love, and that cannot happen to me EVER! EVER EVER.  

        April. Things started looking up! I started working for John, not the best of ideas, but he needed someone to watch his mom one day a week and I needed the bread… for bread!! ;) We started to get out a little more. As I look at my date book for last April, I had so many doctors appts again, but I had many many biscuit orders, did a couple of shows, had a lot of dessert orders and it looks like I spent much time baking my little heart out.

        May, Started doing more around the house. Lots of outside projects, my graduation day, spending time with the girls since they were on their summer breaks. Enjoyed so much family time, Pittsburgh time and just had a great month.

        June. June is when Paul and I really started to see each other a little more. I remember the first couple of weeks of June in the convertible, so I had to have been with John then, but that didn’t last too long. Working for him/his mom and dating was hard for me. He always waited til his mom was asleep, and I always felt horrible for him leaving her at night. His neighbor/caregiver Gigi told me repeatedly that he needed to be at home, and that I shouldn’t be going out with him at night. The fact that I too watched his mom, I knew she needed him there, and I was getting sick of this bitch telling ME to tell HIM what we should be doing. I think John is truly in love with her, and that made it hard on me too. Apparently she shot him down in the love department, but they spent so much time together that I am sure she felt she never had a competitor. The fact that she was such an intricate part of his and his mom’s life, there was no competition. I was good for 5% of his life, Gigi-95%. Little by little, her voice in my head just deteriorated our relationship. In a way, I would have given almost anything for that to be ‘right’, but… I don’t compete well. If I feel I have competition, I concede. How hard is it to turn your back on someone you are falling hard for. Fucks with my head.

        July. July 24^th, my stepson died. That day, I let down my guard against my ex husband (my second ex). That month I had 4 biopsies, shingles, lost my mama sitting job and started to hang a little more with ex #1. He drove me places ( I couldn’t drive for a week or so with the Shingles on and in my eye ), he took care of me and he was just becoming more and more of the good friend we are today.

        September- Colonoscopy, shoulder surgery and unable to drive for 4 weeks!! Which, brought my ex and I even closer. He is retired and was there to take me everywhere. We grocery shopped together. We took little day trips together, he helped me with the dogs … groomers, walks, etc. He truly became my right hand man. I rarely heard from John. I am sure his Gigi loved that. I had a set back with the surgery, I had some infection and the torn muscle was not healing. Diabetic probs. Fortunately, Paul didn’t mind helping and I rather enjoyed our time together.

        October- the BEST thing I can tell you about October, is that I was able to spend a weekend away with my sister and brother and aunt and uncle and cousins in Hot Lanta!! BEST WEEKEND EVER!! The rest is just a blur!!

        November- It was busy. It started getting hard. Dad and mom’s death seems to take its toll when the weather is cold and dark. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE cold and dark! Winter is my time of the year. The colder the better, but maybe it’s the holidays that start that horrible missing them period. I got through it. Thanksgiving was wonderful, and its just been a great time with church things and life in general.

        December- its getting close to the end of the year. Its hard this year because finances are so hard. I am trusting the Lord financially, and I am worried that I may end up taking out a pay day loan to get through the gifts. I am not planning on spending much, I am sitting on an order I have at Amazon.com but I can’t sit much longer. This month I had another eye biopsy, there is a little scar from the shingles, and  she just wanted to make sure it was only a scar. I am having a few health problems, and I am not sure where my doctor is going to be sending me for a ctscan or mri. I have another biopsy on the 23^rd, but I am looking forward to Christmas and the New Year. I asked Paul if he would spend the night on Christmas Eve, so I didn’t have to wake up alone again this year, but we haven’t done ANYTHING yet, and he is afraid he can’t /won’t …. You know. But I told him no worries. I don’t want it anymore, I just want a companion, that I can trust, and love. Feels like we threw 25 years down the drain, but as long as he doesn’t mind just hanging with me, and watching TV and schmoozing the ‘kids’… I’m good with that!! We have decided against the moving in together. We both like the way we have it now, so until one or the other gets to the point that we need help caring for ourselves, we are keeping our own homes.

        Well, my year in review is over. Its 132 and this old girl is ready to call it a night. Have a great weekend.

 

 

J

Mair