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Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Life, As I Hope It Will Be



Odd title. I think it could be, “life as I Hoped it WOULD be”, but that is not how I feel about life right now. Life, As I Hope It Will Be is more how I am thinking, out loud and in my head. Hope. Hope got me to where I am now, hope will get me to where I hope life will be. 
            Where I hope it will be, is my thoughts for the future, and not necessarily for the present. Marriage.  I don’t know why I thought I could have this down pat by now. I have never had it down pat.  I struggled with becoming a ‘mom’ so soon after being married the first time. I had a pregnant 13 year old when I was 23. I had step children and drop offs, I had step grandchildren, and in be tweens in the 20+ years we were married. BUT I had family and friends and church things and… and … and… And yet, I became discontent when my husband became discontent.
            Divorce should have never been an option in my life. But, sometimes, divorce is the ONLY option in life. Then, too soon perhaps, I remarried. Totally different man, totally different life, but he was discontent. After, I think 35 minutes!!! He was not a one woman man, but I thought[MF1]  we would change that by having a fun life. Sometimes, the best of hopes and intentions just don’t work. Isn’t it funny, that as much as we desire a good life, a life of honesty and loyalty… it’s just not in ‘the cards’ for us! I often say “If I would have gone to CA with the right partner, the partner I’d hoped he could be, I would have never left.” I could see me in SoCal for the rest of my life. If only my online guy could have been a man of honor and caring. But, I fucked up … again. All I ever wanted was to be loved.
So now, I have re married my first husband and things … well, things WILL work out. I am not going to be divorced again. I am not going to let things get cold. Nor will I let things get to a bad spot. We are both readjusting to sharing a home with someone again.  I was worried a couple of weeks ago. I felt that I didn’t like sharing a home. (Sharing a life. I was good ((until John)) just being alone. But, again, I fucked up. Sex, and intimacy scared the hell out of me, and falling in love… well, I found I could do that, for real, but competition had me beat and , well, it’s easier to be the loser than the competed.) Anywho, I have been praying and asking the Lord for guidance and clarity for my life. Paul and I have come to a point in our short time of living together, that we can actually be ourselves again.
Something that is VERY hard, in life, is having people you actually fell in love with, and lost. You remember them on various occasions, and mention them. Not a good thing.  I think if Paul hears about Primante’s or Mt Washington or Campiti’s one more time he is going to take me on the trolley and kick me off of MtWashington!!! I am learning.

            So, what I am hoping life WILL BECOME, is normal. I love everything about our home, I am thrilled to be back where my ‘life after children’ began, and I love that I can give all my anxieties to My Father, and He will get me through EVERYTHING. He has proven that over and over in my life. So today, I will trust in Him, every day. I will become the wife that only I think I can be ;)  and be content, right where I am. I have finished the first 3 pages of my book, so I can fret over BS while writing!

Today had been an early day so far. We took Paul’s asshole cat to the vets to get him fixed (Hoping he will stop attacking me and hissing at my pups) and Spikey back to have his ears RE CHECKED  (back on antibiotics) and maybe healed for a week!! He has suffered so long with those damn ear problems, my heart breaks for him all the time. He is too old to be having nonsense health issues!!! He’ll be having old man dog (??) problems soon enough. Leave the ear stuff to … well, Paul’s cat!! Hahaha, just kidding. I don’t wish pain on any of them.  



Next week I find out if my toe is going to be amputated. Yippie. Now I will be even SEXIER than usual!! I am so sick of wearing this stupid boot, that at this point, I am actually good with whacking off the toe to get rid of the boot. Sickening, I know.
Well, back to life. Have an amazing day!!!
     


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