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Thursday, August 13, 2015

Every Once In Awhile



Every once in awhile, my biological clock goes off. Loudly and profoundly. Like it overtakes my life, my heart , my emotions. My life has been so full of children, not many times in my younger days did i even THINK about a child of my own. Once I did. My girlfriends Debbie and Kathy and Peggy and my cousin Sue and my friend Jill were all pregnant at the same time. Sigh. We really got on it because I wanted one too. Even with all the bullshit the Williams family presented, I wanted my own child. So, when everyone started having their children ( all but Kathy had little girls ) we started bi weekly treks to the Cleveland Clinic to have every kind of baby making procedure done. None of them took. I was temporarily devastated, but when my girlfriend Jill, who had left her husband before Krista was even born, came to my home and handed me her perfect little blond haired blue eyed daughter, who was 23 days old and said "I can't do this" I was ELATED!!!! Yep yep yep I can do it !! I had 3 in the house at the time..... 6, 8 & 9, and she, she just fit into the mix perfectly. Krista was everything but legally mine. I was her legal guardian, I had her, until she was 4 years old. Then her dad decided he wanted to 'play daddy' .  His first unsupervised visit, his brother  molested Krista. Let me tell you, i don't care how many people said ''she isn't REALLY YOURS'', I was broken. Boy did we go through a time. I cannot tell you, nor will i really get into, all the shit we dealt with for the next year. Krista had to go back to her mom ...but that was just on paper . Until Krista started the first grade, she was with me. Her papa wanted her to go to Boardman Schools, and Jill agreed to a sort of 'off the books' shared custody with me. It honestly worked out fine. By this time I had 2 other children that we took in from Paul's psycho daughter and although I missed her terribly, Krista and our family were together all the time. Jill's dad ( Krista's papa) did an exemplary job with raising Krista and really, life went on in a good way.

Krista is 26 (?) 27 now with a daughter of her own making a life in the ATL with her fiance ... you know. Life is good for them. She is a supervisor at a  'big box' store and Aaniah is 8 or 9 and K and Steven have been together for 6 years. He is a mechanic ( after wandering junk yards with Paul in her little pigtails and pink over alls all her life , who else would she fall for.) 

I have been dreaming of  having  a child of my own! After all, my step kids and K are all parents, and some grandparents. But, I want a little girl of my own. If all of this didn't happen with Paul and I getting remarried, I was going to start foster parenting classes, to be a foster to newborns. I know I could do it on my own, and I love babies, and that feeling of being needed by an innocent child.

This week, its been rough on me.  The stupid ringer is tolling loudly       :)
As I sat back and thought about my childless womb, I realize that there are only 2 men that I have ever know, that I thought would be 'daddy worthy' One I have known all my life , but we just took different paths in life. He was kind, and BIG hearted. And just the kind of man that would be a great husband and father. See, they both have to go hand in hand. 2 marriages. My first husband took great care of his kids. But had some 'stuff', that kind of  didn't make him daddy material to MY child. My second husband ... had no interest in being faithful to a wife or children, and he wasn't any sort of person i would want MY CHILD to have to rely on for love and affection and support and ... well, every thing a child needs from a dad.
Later in my life I reconnected with JJ. funny... J's must be my ideal for daddys. He would have been a loving supportive, affectionate husband which in turn would be the perfect father. He has 3 children of his own, and the ones I have met were extroidanary people. J. never had children. See, you have to have SHINING qualities to be 'daddy worthy'. 1. LOVE YOUR SPOUSE. No wandering, no screwing off, no secret lying life. When you love your wife, your children have a fighting chance at life, and relationships of their own. Once my    2nd husband told Tony, our landlord "The best thing about having sons is the hot chicks they bring home". Tony was as appalled as i was, and I know he knew how embarrassed I was. THAT would never be the man for my child. Well, at my age, my time is gone. I just hope that my last 2 nieces  do it all right and ... when / if they do decide to bring children into their lives, their husbands are madly in love with them. They know how to do it right. They were shown by THEIR parentals.

Well, off to dinner with Ginny.
When its all said and done... Life's been good to me so far.

2 comments:

  1. Just keep thinking your way through all this !Mary, and you will be stronger and more peaceful in h your heart. You seemed to have always been there for children Good for you.

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    1. Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words. :) xoxo

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