Grief...a few years later.
March 31, 2013
January 5, 2011
Its close. The 2 year anniversary of my mom passing. Its the hardest time for me. I have been keeping busy with packing clothes and picking out things for the house. Paul has kept me pretty busy with our favorite Home Depot store shopping. Trying to get this house in order, but somedays its useless. I had a dream the other night that my mom was sitting with me and I just started to cry. I asked her "are you happy with my decisions". She, being my mom ( and you will understand if you knew her ) said " I have never been happy with your decisions, but you are going to be alright". We had a love hate relationship for all of my years, she LOVED to hate me and I hated that I had to 'perform' for her love. Anyhow, I told her how sorry I was and that I always want her to stay in my life. She moved close to me and patted my back. Sort of her 'way' of ...something. I remember her saying that my dad would be happy with my choices. And.... that was it. As fast as she entered my dream, she vanished. That was a good thing, we didn't have a chance to fight
I love my parents. I miss them horribly. I wish I could tell them just one more time. I wish I could have made them proud. They were SO proud of my sister and brother, and for 35 years, I would sometimes hear my dad tell people " my daughter is THE baker at Tippecanoe Country Club. I have since stopped worrying about who they were proud of and if I were ever good enough. You can be sure that I have made my share of HUGE mistakes. Big Ones!! No jail time and no pregnancies, no addictions and no dating outside my race, no gang affiliations , no whatevers that I have been accused of. One time I told my folks that we were going to try and get pregnant, via the Cleveland Clinic. My dad said "that's just what you need". When it didn't happen in 6 months, I stopped trying.
Life 2 and 4 years after their death has been difficult. I have REALLY let go of guilt, and self loathing. Maybe I have even come to love and understand myself better. To just let myself be loved by The Lord. To see me through His eyes. I have grown. I have disappointed people being on disability, and I really never meant to do that. If I could be as strong as I used to be, I would give my right arm, but I am not. But, pleasing people never worked for me. Everyone has something to say about me, but this week, I have realized that God is in control of my life. I didn't date after Todd divorced me. Not until 2013 did I date. I am glad. I needed that time to reintroduce myself to 'me'. God provided a wonderful man to introduce me to dating again! I was blessed. But.. I wasn't ready for what the dating life had in store for me. I am a prude, believe it or not. I take relationships S L O W. And like it that way. I never in a million billion years thought that Paul would be my husband again. Ever. But I believe that during the years since we divorced...2002-present, He has been showing me that His original husband that I married in 82, was who He was bringing together.
Today I am dealing with selling this house, moving into my old house, my step son and my grandson being there with us (no complaints, really!!), trying to adjust my dogs to go outside every hour ( they have never known life without a doggy door and until the fence goes up on Western Reserve...they have to ask), deciding what I want to take and sell. My niece moving to Miami, my wedding on a small budget, my life.... Its not been easy, but as long as I give it to my Father every morning. I know he'll see me through.
If you are still with me, have a great great week, and tell the people you love how very much you love them. To my Candyce, Ashlie, Briana and Sheila, my sister and brother and my ex-future husband. I love you. To the ones that share my life, my story and my burdens, I love you too. To the Pastor that makes me sane every week, thank you, and I love you. And I know who stuck around to read this entire boring post... you know that I love you.