Where am I these days? Why do I feel like a part of me is dying and I can’t get back to myself. Why can’t I feel emotions except pain, and fear? I am back to a place I was years ago and can’t manage to change like I did. Circa2002 Emotionless dating. I met a great guy. We’ll call him Gary. Gary and I hit it off from our first date. Sort of. He was so attentive. So sweet. Held the door, brought me flowers held my hand…sometimes, and treated me like a queen. Me? Nothing. I hated to kiss, I couldn’t hold hands for more than a minute couldn’t reciprocate any affection at all. One day, he mentioned this to me. So, on a date one night, at a movie theatre, I stroked his hair and patted his back. You would have think I changed his life! But, I couldn’t keep it up. It wasn’t me. I was being phony and I couldn’t live like that.
Next we’ll call him Charles. He couldn’t care less about affection and neither could I, but we had some definite chemistry. Lots of chemistry. So much I finally felt comfortable and enjoyed holding hands and smooching ;) and being held. Then… I was told something that threw me right back into no affection mode. Was what I was told true? Was it fabricated? I didn’t know, but I learned way too much and noticed things weren’t right, and so not giving a shit again, didn’t matter. But…
Then there was JJ. It started off slow. He was ATTRACTIVE, he was attracted to me, which I will never understand, but he was. I think. One night we kissed, and my life felt AMAZING. A.MAZ.ING. Really amazing. We kissed like teenagers, we held hands, we had PDA, and we … took it further than I was comfortable. At that point, I started backing off. Then there was that one woman… is he in love with her? She him? Still in love with his ex? Really not interested in stuff at all? Idk. I felt like I was falling in love, until his friend started TELLING me things. So, of course, I back off. With huge regrets I back off, but when I feel threatened, I walk.
Now… Lord, I can’t get ‘that’ back. I can’t hold hands, or kiss, or hug or …. Even THINK of anything more. Am I ruined? Should I change the plan? Should I just go forward and hope that in time I will be someone different?
Please Lord. Help me be who YOU want me to be. Help me to learn all over again that not every relationship ends in pain. I want to be THAT GIRL that someone might be proud to have as a partner, a lover, a spouse. I want to be the right person. I need YOU to help me, and show me, and guide me the right way. I need help, I think. A Christian counselor, Godly counsel. Not my pastor, I don’t want him to think I am … a freak. I am 56. Lord, don’t let me mess up my life, or anyone else’s life ever again. Is this YOUR will? Send me a comfort, Lord. I pray.