2014… Its been quite a year.
January. I was so
busy with school, and work, and finals and life. I was spending a lot of time
with John, and kind of feeling like a girl again. It was a cold, dark January,
but my silly heart thought we were falling in love! I was working mostly
nights, so when we had time, we had
great times.
February. Worked
and got all of my life together for finishing up my final days of class,
getting my cap and gown in order, getting my new life ready to roll!! I thought
I was going to be so happy on Feb 14, the last day of class and work. I was,
for about 2 weeks. I had lunch on that day with John at Rebecca’s restaurant. I
loved the next few weeks being without homework, without responsibilities,
without having to set the alarm. But all that wonderfulness came to a
screeching halt when my health took a little turn.
March. Looking at
my date book March is only full of dr’s appts. Ugh. It was lonesome during the
evenings. I was sick many days from everything … I kind of shut John down. I
just wanted to be by myself. Being a man, he didn’t think about how I was
feeling, he kind of thought about how HE was feeling. Life slowed down
considerably and it was COLD here in Ohio. It was a long month. I am afraid. I think I am falling in love, and that cannot happen to me EVER! EVER EVER.
April. Things
started looking up! I started working for John, not the best of ideas, but he
needed someone to watch his mom one day a week and I needed the bread… for
bread!! ;) We started to get out a little more. As I look at my date book for
last April, I had so many doctors appts again, but I had many many biscuit
orders, did a couple of shows, had a lot of dessert orders and it looks like I spent
much time baking my little heart out.
May, Started doing
more around the house. Lots of outside projects, my graduation day, spending
time with the girls since they were on their summer breaks. Enjoyed so much
family time, Pittsburgh time and just had a great month.
June. June is when Paul
and I really started to see each other a little more. I remember the first
couple of weeks of June in the convertible, so I had to have been with John
then, but that didn’t last too long. Working for him/his mom and dating was
hard for me. He always waited til his mom was asleep, and I always felt
horrible for him leaving her at night. His neighbor/caregiver Gigi told me
repeatedly that he needed to be at home, and that I shouldn’t be going out with
him at night. The fact that I too watched his mom, I knew she needed him there,
and I was getting sick of this bitch telling ME to tell HIM what we should be
doing. I think John is truly in love with her, and that made it hard on me too.
Apparently she shot him down in the love department, but they spent so much
time together that I am sure she felt she never had a competitor.
The fact that she was such an intricate part of his and his mom’s life, there
was no competition. I was good for 5% of his life, Gigi-95%. Little by little,
her voice in my head just deteriorated our relationship. In a way, I would have
given almost anything for that to be ‘right’, but… I don’t compete well. If I feel
I have competition, I concede. How hard is it to turn your back on someone you are falling hard for. Fucks with my head.
July. July 24th,
my stepson died. That day, I let down my guard against my ex husband (my second
ex). That month I had 4 biopsies, shingles, lost my mama sitting job and
started to hang a little more with ex #1. He drove me places ( I couldn’t drive
for a week or so with the Shingles on and in my eye ), he took care of me and
he was just becoming more and more of the good friend we are today.
September-
Colonoscopy, shoulder surgery and unable to drive for 4 weeks!! Which, brought
my ex and I even closer. He is retired and was there to take me everywhere. We
grocery shopped together. We took little day trips together, he helped me with
the dogs … groomers, walks, etc. He truly became my right hand man. I rarely
heard from John. I am sure his Gigi loved that. I had a set back with the
surgery, I had some infection and the torn muscle was not healing. Diabetic
probs. Fortunately, Paul didn’t mind helping and I rather enjoyed our time together.
October- the BEST
thing I can tell you about October, is that I was able to spend a weekend away
with my sister and brother and aunt and uncle and cousins in Hot Lanta!! BEST
WEEKEND EVER!! The rest is just a blur!!
November- It was
busy. It started getting hard. Dad and mom’s death seems to take its toll when
the weather is cold and dark. Now don’t get me wrong, I LOVE cold and dark!
Winter is my time of the year. The colder the better, but maybe it’s the holidays
that start that horrible missing them period. I got through it. Thanksgiving
was wonderful, and its just been a great time with church things and life in
general.
December- its
getting close to the end of the year. Its hard this year because finances are
so hard. I am trusting the Lord financially, and I am worried that I may end up
taking out a pay day loan to get through the gifts. I am not planning on
spending much, I am sitting on an order I have at Amazon.com but I can’t sit
much longer. This month I had another eye biopsy, there is a little scar from
the shingles, and she just wanted to
make sure it was only a scar. I am having a few health problems, and I am not
sure where my doctor is going to be sending me for a ctscan or mri. I have
another biopsy on the 23rd, but I am looking forward to Christmas
and the New Year. I asked Paul if he would spend the night on Christmas Eve, so
I didn’t have to wake up alone again this year, but we haven’t done ANYTHING
yet, and he is afraid he can’t /won’t …. You know. But I told him no worries. I
don’t want it anymore, I just want a companion, that I can trust, and love.
Feels like we threw 25 years down the drain, but as long as he doesn’t mind
just hanging with me, and watching TV and schmoozing the ‘kids’… I’m good with
that!! We have decided against the moving in together. We both like the way we
have it now, so until one or the other gets to the point that we need help
caring for ourselves, we are keeping our own homes.
Well, my year in
review is over. Its 132 and this old girl is ready to call it a night. Have a
great weekend.
J
Mair
Sounds like a tough year. I hope that next year is better for you.
ReplyDeleteIts been trying, but I did graduate, my relationship with my first husband is better than I ever expected, and through all of this, my relationship with the Lord has grown stronger and stronger. I know that next year can only get better! Thank you for stopping by and commenting. xoxo
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