Sunday, September 7, 2014

late saturday night

I am sitting here tonight, kind of bored. It’s time to get the kids and go to bed, but I’m kind of feeling weird tonight. Do you ever have that one person in your life that just knows how to hurt you with their put downs and razor sharp    tongue? Yeah, me too. I got a dose of it last night on Facebook, and when I told them about the things they say to me, in the most HURTFUL of ways, it all got turned around onto why I deserve or NEED to hear these things. “If I don’t tell you, how will you know.” Well, as I tried to explain, YOU are one kind of person. Your feelings, your beliefs, what YOU would do, and what YOU would never do. THIS person is a different kind of person. THEY do what they do, when they want to do it, however they want to do it. It’s not to hurt or piss YOU off, it’s THEM. I do what I do. But, for some reason, EVERYTHING I do is subpar to you. I do this, I’m an idiot. They do something … whatever. YES, I have not always been a “good” person, (by other’s standards… I have never been pregnant, beat anyone, been in jail, stolen, used drugs been an alcoholic). I have let my family down all of my life (and they will say “I HATE WHEN YOU SAY THAT AND HAVE A PITY PARTY. I am not having a pity party, I have been put down by most of my core family for years), and never lived up to ANYONE’s standards. Nope I am not rich, nope, I am not working, and no, I don’t have anything left at the end of the month. Yep, my folks bought my home, and my car, and I am not really adding anything to our family. Once, for many many years, I was a Pastry Chef, and for some reason you all loved me and boasted that I was for the most elite CC in our area, but now that that is over (and it WAS THIRTY FIVE YEARS), you feel no remorse when you spew venom at me. Of course, I am once again sharing shit on the World Wide Web, and of course, that pretty much adds to my ‘low life’ ness. I cry over things you say to me, yet like a dick, I am so happy when we do things together. Okay, well, not anymore. Why? Because every conversation seem to come to ‘the losers on welfare and disability’. That money isn’t going to be there for ME when I retire, but you guys all collect now…… sigh. Inevitably, every conversation is a reminder of your bitterness.

            So, tonight, with the internet, phone and cable down, I sit and remember and hurt. And hurt a little more. I miss being young and going places with my friends and family and having a heart of joy and laughter. I still cry over my last divorce, the death of my dad, the death of my dad, and that still hurts me. I would rather stay at home and be with my pups and P then get dressed and go out!! Maybe you are still grieving too. Maybe there are other issues going on that you won’t share with anyone outside of Camelot. Maybe you think, like my father and mother used to think, that putting me down and hurting me will make me a much better person. It won’t. It makes me sink lower and hurt worse than just life does. It makes me want to just get back with Paul, and fuck you all. But I am going to think of me first, before I hurt myself by jumping. We are talking about buying a new house and selling our homes and just starting over. He wanted to move away, and this morning I wanted to, too. But the fact is, we will probably just stay in Canfield, which is where we called home for 27 years.

            I miss my nieces so much. I can’t wait til Thanksgiving break when they are home again. They bring joy to my heart. They do. And so do my ‘greats’. 2 great nephews and a great aunt. I have already started Christmas shopping for them.

            Well, I have kind of worn myself out from crying. And I have to get up early for church tomorrow, which, will be today by the time I have internet access. I hope you have a wonderful Sunday.


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