I am sitting here
tonight, kind of bored. It’s time to get the kids and go to bed, but I’m kind
of feeling weird tonight. Do you ever have that one person in your life that
just knows how to hurt you with their put downs and razor sharp tongue? Yeah, me too. I got a dose of it
last night on Facebook, and when I told them about the things they say to me,
in the most HURTFUL of ways, it all got turned around onto why I deserve or
NEED to hear these things. “If I don’t tell you, how will you know.” Well, as I
tried to explain, YOU are one kind of person. Your feelings, your beliefs, what
YOU would do, and what YOU would never do. THIS person is a different kind of
person. THEY do what they do, when they want to do it, however they want to do
it. It’s not to hurt or piss YOU off, it’s THEM. I do what I do. But, for some
reason, EVERYTHING I do is subpar to you. I do this, I’m an idiot. They do
something … whatever. YES, I have not always been a “good” person, (by other’s
standards… I have never been pregnant, beat anyone, been in jail, stolen, used
drugs been an alcoholic). I have let my family down all of my life (and they will say “I HATE WHEN YOU SAY THAT
AND HAVE A PITY PARTY. I am not having a pity party, I have been put down by
most of my core family for years), and never lived up to ANYONE’s
standards. Nope I am not rich, nope, I am not working, and no, I don’t have
anything left at the end of the month. Yep, my folks bought my home, and my
car, and I am not really adding anything to our family. Once, for many many
years, I was a Pastry Chef, and for some reason you all loved me and boasted
that I was for the most elite CC in our area, but now that that is over (and it
WAS THIRTY FIVE YEARS), you feel no
remorse when you spew venom at me. Of course, I am once again sharing shit on
the World Wide Web, and of course, that pretty much adds to my ‘low life’ ness.
I cry over things you say to me, yet like a dick, I am so happy when we do
things together. Okay, well, not anymore. Why? Because every conversation seem
to come to ‘the losers on welfare and disability’.
That money isn’t going to be there for ME when I retire, but you guys all
collect now…… sigh. Inevitably, every conversation is a reminder of your
bitterness.
So, tonight, with the internet,
phone and cable down, I sit and remember and hurt. And hurt a little more. I
miss being young and going places with my friends and family and having a heart
of joy and laughter. I still cry over my last divorce, the death of my dad, the
death of my dad, and that still hurts me. I would rather stay at home and be
with my pups and P then get dressed and go out!! Maybe you are still grieving
too. Maybe there are other issues going on that you won’t share with anyone
outside of Camelot. Maybe you think, like my father and mother used to think,
that putting me down and hurting me will make me a much better person. It
won’t. It makes me sink lower and hurt worse than just life does. It makes me
want to just get back with Paul, and fuck you all. But I am going to think of me
first, before I hurt myself by jumping. We are talking about buying a new house
and selling our homes and just starting over. He wanted to move away, and this
morning I wanted to, too. But the fact is, we will probably just stay in
Canfield, which is where we called home for 27 years.
I miss my nieces so much. I can’t
wait til Thanksgiving break when they are home again. They bring joy to my
heart. They do. And so do my ‘greats’. 2 great nephews and a great aunt. I have
already started Christmas shopping for them.
Well, I have kind of worn myself out
from crying. And I have to get up early for church tomorrow, which, will be
today by the time I have internet access. I hope you have a wonderful Sunday.
Mair
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