I have been missing people of late. Its toxic for me to talk to some. I 'fall' way to easily and I'm done falling. I hate it that I was so distant from my parents. I am grateful that I was with both of them when they went home. Dad, I am so sorry I was such a bad daughter, and such a disappointment to you and mom for so many years. You never knew that there were times in my life I hated you and mom, or perhaps you did. I regret that I wasn't like Meg. I regret that I gave you such a hard time, I regret that I wasn't a better person. I was so proud when you were so proud that I was ''the baker at Tippecanoe''. I know that made you proud. I am grateful that I never shamed you by getting pregnant or dating another race or going to jail or did bad things enough to make the papers. For that I say 'whew', but for living together with both of my husbands before we were married, for not marrying men that were 'upstanding' in yours and mom's eyes, I don't regret that. I paid consequences for both, and you let me 'drown' by making me get out of the shit I fell into myself, but I loved and learned. and my life, although at times wasn't perfect, I was OK. I love you, and if you really can or do 'look down and watch over me', I hope I am making you proud now. <3 and="" apologize.="" font="" i="" love="" you.="">3>
Dear Mom. I don't know what to say. You and dad ended up being my 'saviour' of sorts. And I miss you so much. The last year was so good. We had such a good time and had fun. When did you get sick? When did you decide you were going to take your own life. Why? I know much of it was dementia and your longing to be with dad... I miss you so much. I hope that you know, when I graduate from college, it is all to you!!! You above everyone I want to make proud. I hope I am the student speaker , I won't be able to talk without crying, but you and The Lord are the reason I will be there. I am sorry for not being the Dream Daughter ... but please forgive me for all the times I hurt you and dad. please.
Now is MY TIME. Making good choices and living how I should have lived as a younger woman, IF, like I said, you CAN really look from the heavens or are with me in my soul, I hope you are smiling. I am not sorry for the husbands I had, while those marriages lasted, there were many GOOD times, that far outweighed the bad. Please know that. And please know, I strive now to get what I feel may be your approval. I do.
Thoughts on canvas... sort of. :
|this is my next tattoo. its going to be on my heart.|
|its amazing how He can get me through pain. Thank You Lord|
|Gets me in trouble every time!! I need to LET THAT DAMN SIN GO!!!!|
LET IT GO.
|Or, perhaps they do.|