Wednesday, August 14, 2013

A Few Minutes Before Class...

I've been let down by someone I hoped would never do that. By someone I trusted, and it feels crappy. Its all the same, no matter who is doing the letting down or how they are doing it, it hurts. That wasn't supposed to happen. But, it did. Everyone goes through it. Everyone gets let down from time to time. Its all the same empty feeling.

I have been missing people of late. Its toxic for me to talk to some. I 'fall' way to easily and I'm done falling. I hate it that I was so distant from my parents. I am grateful that I was with both of them when they went home. Dad, I am so sorry I was such a bad daughter, and such a disappointment to you and mom for so many years. You never knew that there were times in my life I hated you and mom, or perhaps you did. I regret that I wasn't like Meg. I regret that I gave you such a hard time, I regret that I wasn't a better person. I was so proud when you were so proud that I was ''the baker at Tippecanoe''. I know that made you proud. I am grateful that I never shamed you by getting pregnant or dating another race or going to jail or did bad things enough to make the papers. For that I say 'whew', but for living together with both of my husbands before we were married, for not marrying men that were 'upstanding' in yours and mom's eyes, I don't regret that. I paid consequences for both, and you let me 'drown' by making me get out of the shit I fell into myself, but I loved and learned. and my life, although at times wasn't perfect, I was OK. I love you, and if you really can or do 'look down and watch over me', I hope I am making you proud now. <3 and="" apologize.="" font="" i="" love="" you.="">
Dear Mom. I don't know what to say. You and dad ended up being my 'saviour' of sorts. And I miss you so much. The last year was so good. We had such a good time and had fun. When did you get sick? When did you decide you were going to take your own life. Why? I know much of it was dementia and your longing to be with dad... I miss you so much. I hope that you know, when I graduate from college, it is all to you!!! You above everyone I want to make proud. I hope I am the student speaker , I won't be able to talk without crying, but you and The Lord are the reason I will be there. I am sorry for not being the Dream Daughter ... but please forgive me for all the times I hurt you and dad. please.

Now is MY TIME. Making good choices and living how I should have lived as a younger woman, IF, like I said, you CAN really look from the heavens or are with me in my soul, I hope you are smiling. I am not sorry for the husbands I had, while those marriages lasted, there were many GOOD times, that far outweighed the bad. Please know that. And please know, I strive now to get what I feel may be your approval. I do.

Thoughts on canvas... sort of. :

this is my next tattoo. its going to be on my heart.

its amazing how He can get me through pain. Thank You Lord

Gets me in trouble every time!! I need to LET THAT DAMN SIN GO!!!!

Or, perhaps they do.

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