Friday, August 17, 2012
Chili Contest
Here is a story from my archives. I have
read this many times over the years and never not laughed out loud. If
you do not see humor in this, let me know, I will help you in developing
a life.
The notes are from an inexperienced chili taster named
Frank, who was visiting Texas
from the East Coast.
Frank: “Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at
a chili cook-off. The judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and, besides, they
told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
Chili #1 “Mike’s Maniac Monster Chili”
Judge #1 - A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge #2 - Nice, smooth tomato favor. Very mild.
Judge #3 (Frank) – Holy Shit! What the hell is this stuff?!!! You could remove paint from your
driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans
are crazy.
Chili #2 “Arthur’s Afterburner Chili”
Judge #1 - Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge #2 - Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be
taken seriously.
Judge #3 - Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two
people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw
the look on my face.
Chili #3 “Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili”
Judge #1 – Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.
Needs more beans.
Judge #2 - A beanless chili,
A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge #3 - Call the EPA.
I’ve located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been snorting Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite.
Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is on the front part of
my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from
all the beer.
Chili #4 “Bubba’s Black Magic”
Judge #1 - Black Bean Chili w/almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge #2 - Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods,
not much of a chili.
Judge #3 - I felt something scraping against my tongue, but
was unable to taste it. Is it possible
to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing beside me with fresh refills. The 300-lb bitch is starting to look HOT…just
like the nuclear waste I’m eating! Is
chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili #5 “Linda’s Legal Lip Remover”
Judge #1 - Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding
considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge #2 - Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong
statement.
Judge #3 - My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my
forehead, and I can no longer focus my eyes.
I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told
her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it by
the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my
lips off. It really pisses me off that
the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
Screw those rednecks.
Chili #6 “Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge #1 - Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge #2 - The best yet.
Aggressive use of peppers, onion, and garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 - I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it
will eat through the chair. No one seems
inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe with a snow cone.
Chili #7 “Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili”
Judge #1 - A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers,
Judge #2 - Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in
a can of chili peppers at the last moment, I should take note that I am worried
about Judge #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge #3 - You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the
pin, and I wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve
lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My shirt is covered with chili,
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My
pants are full of lava like shit to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know
what killed me. I’ve decided to stop
breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it,
I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I
need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4” hole in my stomach.
Chili #8 “Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge #1 - The perfect ending, this is a nice blend
chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to
declare its existence.
Judge #2 - This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when
Judge #3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he would have reacted
to really hot chili?
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